Today I broke. This morning I woke up in a reasonably upbeat mood. Hopeful for a repeat of yesterday. Accomplishments, success, to-do list completed, and even a little self-care. I was excited to start the day and see what I could accomplish. Unfortunately, that didn't last long. I started my day as usual. I poured a cup of coffee and argued about how much cream to put in, debating if I would allow my flesh to have what it wanted or encourage my spirit to fight and do what I knew would be best. Inevitably, I compromised somewhere in the middle. I then let the dogs out, took my morning medicine, let the dogs back in, and sat on the couch, mentally preparing to read my devotional and Bible. I said a quick prayer in my head, struggling with my thoughts about whether I was doing it "right." Then I grabbed my hot cup of coffee, took a sip, and began reading.
Eventually, the kids started to trickle in, and my morning was off to a rolling start. Everyone was going about their day per usual, but I could feel yesterday's energy fleeting away from me. I fought and struggled to push aside what I knew was brewing, but eventually, I broke...I melted down in my bedroom as I changed from one pair of stretchy yoga pants to the next. I told myself that I had nothing to be stressed about; the dryer must have shrunk them, and they will stretch out quickly enough. After changing my outfit a good ten times, I began to cry. The uncontrollable kind of cry. The cry that tears through your insides, and you feel exposed and broken as if what you are thinking, and feeling is being broadcast across the nation. The shattering of your soul when you feel like everything you have been hiding, not only from yourself but everyone else, is now out there for all to see. Why today? Why, after such a good day and feeling cheerful, am I sitting on my bedroom floor sobbing as if this is the end? As if I have no control and my body and thoughts are pre-programmed; I am just a puppet playing the part. Once I found something to wear that I felt "okay" in, I could stop the tears and move on with my day.
As I write this, I wonder why my looks and how clothes fit are such a colossal dictation of how I feel about myself. How my attitude towards the day will be, and what I believe about myself as a whole. Where was I taught this? How can I change it? Will I ever love the person I see in the mirror, or will I always try to hide who I am and what I think through the facade of what I see....This is my journey and story, but through sharing, I can process my thoughts, find who I have lost, and connect deeply with myself...I hope I can forgive myself for the years of distrust, painful messages, dirty looks, rejection, and negative self-talk I had forced on myself when I needed love, care, and acceptance.
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